Since my last post (which is almost a year ago), life happened. Obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this, but a side of life happened to me that I never thought I would experience. Towards the end of November I went to my GP as I had no flippin idea what was going on with me. I even took a pregnancy test as I just couldn’t explain why I was experiencing the symptoms I had. I was tired, excessively tired, moody, felt nauseous, found no pleasure in eating, and felt like life was just simply passing by, without me living it. The doctor carried on to question me further and then came to the conclusion that I – me – was suffering from depression. I was stunned.
Of all the things that I thought would never happen to me (as we silly humans do), this was it. I was completely baffled, I mean I had everything I ever dreamed of, I was in a good place, had an amazing husband, fantastic family, and everything else, how could I be, no, how dare I be depressed when so many others have so much less and are happy nonetheless?
By this time I had already resigned from my job as I just could not deal with all the bureaucratic nonsense anymore. When I received my diagnosis, I realised that it was about more than that. And that I had done the right thing. And that maybe I had delayed it for too long, because my job was the one thing that made me unhappy, stressed, anxious – everything but happy. You carry on because you think it might get better, persevere, and because you might be good at what you do. The only time I was happy was when the solid salary payment came into my bank account. But that too, was short-lived, as the new targets start over every single month.
So we went on our amazing European trip, which we could only afford due to the solid salaries, so at least it was good for one thing, but then we came back and I was officially unemployed. For the first time in my life. I didn’t know what to do with this, it was such an intimidation for me that it scared me even more. I wanted to deal with this thorn in my side, aka the depression, first before I even thought about getting back into the job market. So I went to see a psychologist. Also a first for me.
The first session was extremely emotional as I hate talking about myself to strangers. It makes me so uncomfortable as questions always escalate and it seems never ending. So yes, at the end of it, I went home teary eyed, but the next day, I felt better. And this trend continued, just due to the fact that I was actually talking about these things, things I never realised would have such a huge impact on me. Acceptance, being judged, going against your values, vulnerability (which by the way is a strength, not a weakness), grief – I have now learnt to accept these things to be a part of the unique me. Because I am enough.
I’m nowhere near the end of this journey, it may be that this was necessary for me to remind me, or even rediscover who the real me is. All I know is that I will never ever allow anything or anyone to drive me to these depths again. You alone determine your own happiness.
Life through Lucy's lens 