On dealing with LIFE- the good and the bad…

Since my last post (which is almost a year ago), life happened. Obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this, but a side of life happened to me that I never thought I would experience. Towards the end of November I went to my GP as I had no flippin idea what was going on with me. I even took a pregnancy test as I just couldn’t explain why I was experiencing the symptoms I had. I was tired, excessively tired, moody, felt nauseous, found no pleasure in eating, and felt like life was just simply passing by, without me living it. The doctor carried on to question me further and then came to the conclusion that I – me – was suffering from depression. I was stunned.

Of all the things that I thought would never happen to me (as we silly humans do), this was it. I was completely baffled, I mean I had everything I ever dreamed of, I was in a good place, had an amazing husband, fantastic family, and everything else, how could I be, no, how dare I be depressed when so many others have so much less and are happy nonetheless?

By this time I had already resigned from my job as I just could not deal with all the bureaucratic nonsense anymore. When I received my diagnosis, I realised that it was about more than that. And that I had done the right thing. And that maybe I had delayed it for too long, because my job was the one thing that made me unhappy, stressed, anxious – everything but happy. You carry on because you think it might get better, persevere, and because you might be good at what you do. The only time I was happy was when the solid salary payment came into my bank account. But that too, was short-lived,  as the new targets start over every single month.

So we went on our amazing European trip, which we could only afford due to the solid salaries, so at least it was good for one thing, but then we came back and I was officially unemployed. For the first time in my life. I didn’t know what to do with this, it was such an intimidation for me that it scared me even more. I wanted to deal with this thorn in my side, aka the depression, first before I even thought about getting back into the job market. So I went to see a psychologist. Also a first for me.

The first session was extremely emotional as I hate talking about myself to strangers. It makes me so uncomfortable as questions always escalate and it seems never ending. So yes, at the end of it, I went home teary eyed, but the next day, I felt better. And this trend continued, just due to the fact that I was actually talking about these things, things I never realised would have such a huge impact on me. Acceptance, being judged, going against your values, vulnerability (which by the way is a strength, not a weakness), grief – I have now learnt to accept these things to be a part of the unique me. Because I am enough.

I’m nowhere near the end of this journey, it may be that this was necessary for me to remind me, or even rediscover who the real me is. All I know is that I will never ever allow anything or anyone to drive me to these depths again. You alone determine your own happiness.

Changeling

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My soul loathes change. Even though change is a natural process, I sometimes struggle to accept it.

I can think of many occurrences that have made an imprint on me, which were so significant that from that point onwards, I was and had to be a different person. The most recent event was something so simple but it had such a major effect on me: changing jobs.

I know it sounds silly, but I was in a total comfort zone at my previous job. I knew exactly what to do, how to do it, who to call if I needed anything, knew exactly what was expected of me – there were hardly any uncertainties. I was completely aware of this fact and I was also aware of the effect it had on me: I was becoming bored. How bizarre! I don’t like change but I also don’t like be unchallenged in what I do daily. So how to address this mental state? –  CHANGE. Get a new job. Challenge yourself.

It was such a scary process for me and I felt as though I was betraying people. But as soon as I started to step outside of my comfortable box I had built for myself, I saw who I was, who I had become and even more importantly, who I could be. I also became aware of how the people I worked with had some negative effects on me. I was in actual fact a very uncertain person due to constant criticism I received from my boss. Unfortunately I take things very personally when I shouldn’t and it had CHANGED me, being totally unaware of it.

So I accepted the change… What a frightening place to be.

Many times I thought ‘What we’re you thinking!’, or ‘Why did you move?’. The new job came with many challenges and many times I felt that ‘I don’t have to deal with this!’. What I didn’t realise was that once again, I CHANGED, I wasn’t the same person anymore. I have become independent, confident, and successful. I can deal with that.

My soul loathes change. But when change makes me a better person, what have I got to lose?

When time runs out…

My gran has been through a lot in her short life. More than some people can have in 2 life times. And yet, she still smiles. But sometimes the tears come without warning, and then I wonder what exactly is going through her mind.

The amount of stories she can tell is mind blowing, with such detail and not one name forgotten. Today however, for the first time I saw her struggling to remember things. In the middle of a memory it cuts her off. The broken mind takes over and silences the imagination. Time is running out and I can’t help but feel responsible to document her stories, while I still can in her moments of clarity.

Thus I have a new project, a personal one. To make my gran’s memory eternal for generations to come.

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The dark rooms of Tomball High

I was an exchange student in Tomball TX from 2001 –  2002. My first glimpse of my school was the day I had to and register and pick my subjects. For a South African, subjects like journalism and photography was magic! We could only dream of having subjects like these. So I decided that for one year of my school career, I will choose the subjects I will never be able to take back home in Johannesburg. 

Photography turned out to be one of my newly picked subjects and man, o man, I had no idea of what was to come. Of course back then everything still revolved around film photography. For the first time in my life I heard of terms like shutter speeds, apertures or f-stops, depth of field-and then I realised that an entire new world has just presented itself to me. We were taught how to develop film in the dark room, how to expose an image onto photopaper and then the magical part, how to develop an image from the paper. 

Around that time I started to see the world differently. I didn’t have the same perspective anymore. I saw life in moments, I was looking for a good picture in everything I saw. 

I am the proud owner of a brand new Canon 600D and my aim is to start documenting life through my eyes, to give a glimpse into the way I see the world. 

Look out for some old snapshots of mine that I will be posting in the next few days. 

Adios!